Amy

Grief is such a strange thing. It’s like a thief waiting to ambush at the most unusual times. I could be having the most normal day and something completely off the wall will remind me of my mom and then my heart breaks all over again. I don’t enjoy that feeling, but it does put things in perspective for me. The big picture gets blurred sometimes as I hyper focus on one area of life, then when grief slips in uninvited it somehow helps me zoom out again and reset. 

Many of the things I start to allow myself to be absorbed by are so trivial. Mom used to tell us that there was never a reason to be hateful to someone. Even if…fill in the blank…it didn’t matter. I’m grateful that her voice echoed the voice of my Father. I didn’t (and still don’t) always listen, but it guided me and helped me listen way more times than if it had not spoken. 

I fight within me so often I don’t have the time or desire to fight with anyone else. You have an opinion that’s different from mine? Ok. We die on hills that are meaningless and silly. There’s no place for that kind of controversy in the life of a Christian (I’m lecturing myself, mostly). I’ve contributed to the idiocy quite enough. The battle is within and it urgently needs to be won. Sometimes we are what stands between someone walking toward Christ or walking away. I hate to think of the times I was so caught up in my anger that I misrepresented His name. Is the gravity I feel in this regard related to the wickedness of this current world? Is it a product of maturity? My guess is that it’s a little of both, mixed with the relative peace of life, which is in stark contrast to the chaos that has defined much of my adulthood.

One day many years ago my sister and I were on the phone; most cell phones had minutes and it was cheaper to talk after 9pm. Our combined 7 children were very young, and we were both in places of sustained crisis but we were growing in our faith as young adults. Both of us, surrounded by believers in our communities, were adamant that our children would make better choices than we had made. As we knew better we would do better, and we promised to be continuously improving so that our children would have us as role models. 

If all you knew was part of the story then it may seem we were the most ridiculous excuses for role models there ever were. Sometimes I still walk back to that place, but these days I don’t pitch my tent and stay. I simply walk there, acknowledge the mistakes and then I turn around and come back. I will get to a point where I never return but until then I stand at that spot and remember the truth; I remember that God fights my battles for me and I point to my precious children. I may be slightly biased, but I do believe I have the cream of the crop as far as children go. God doesn’t think any of the negative things I can be guilty of thinking about myself. As I have grown closer to Him, the demeaning voice gets quieter and quieter. And it all started with my first step taken in obedience by a nudging of the Holy Spirit…and my mom. 

My mom was as human as any of us, but her unwavering faith, misguided as it sometimes could be, was a legacy left by my grandma, who carried it forward from her mom, and so on. It created a space in me to see the truth, and experience how mightily God works through the most heinous situations. It gave me the strength to walk with Him, to offer up my children to Him and to understand I was a steward of those young people – they belong to Him, not to me. 

The hours in prayer, the tears shed, the angry outbursts, the depression, the confusion, the agony, the denial, the acceptance and the joy – none of it was wasted. He has used every single circumstance for our good. Every single one. 

When I look at it my life from the perspective of my Creator, I can be nothing less than grateful. The rest of my days will continue to be spent imperfectly loving, growing, serving and learning. If even one person falls in love with Jesus through my obedience, it will have been worth everything. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. Thank you for introducing me to Him. I’ll see you at Home.