I used to spend a whole lot of time worrying about other people. What they thought, how they felt, what I could do to change and be what they wanted so everyone is happy. I think that’s called co-dependence, and I’m guilty to a certain degree. But as I grow I become less and less worried about that stuff and more focused on growing into the woman God has created me to be. I’m a work in progress, without a doubt. There are days when my choices and others’ choices have left me wondering if I’m good enough. Yesterday was one of those days. So if you’re offended by raw honesty, stop reading, because shit is about to get real.
Aubrey said some people in her class asked how many dads she was going to have. Ouch. I felt like someone had physically kicked my in the stomach. Teenagers are pointed. But it’s a natural question after your mom gets divorced for the 3rd time. I get it. I’d ask the same question. The answer, btw, is one. She has one dad. The sentiment is not lost on me though. What led me to make those decisions haunts me a little. Being free, however, makes the whole world a brighter place. And there’s no freedom without Christ. So if that offends you, stop reading.
It’s time to bring authentic to a whole new level. Several months ago a stirring began in me that I couldn’t explain; as time went on it became clear the step I had to take and I took it. I had no idea where I would land, but it was clearly from God so I moved. If it hadn’t been for the past times I’ve heard and not moved, I don’t know that I would have been as obedient. Not knowing what’s next is one of the most difficult places to be, but am I ever glad I listened, because what was next I couldn’t have imagined in my wildest dreams.
But it doesn’t come without its humiliation. There is no one on this planet who is has higher expectations from me than me. This was not the life I pictured, and I would change a whole lot of things if I could, but I can’t. There’s no hiding from reality, so here I am – here we ALL are. Everyone has made decisions, visible to the world or not, whose regret can cause us to get stuck in a trap laid out by Satan: codependence, promiscuity, domestic violence, excessive drinking, overeating, lying, cheating…to name a few. We all have a choice – keep moving forward or allow ourselves to stay imprisoned by regret. There’s only one way out, and His name is Jesus.
In every single place we lack, God fills us in and makes us whole. Trust me people, there are plenty of cracks in my armor. I’m not perfect. And I have made ridiculously stupid choices for reasons I don’t fully understand. But that beautiful day I fell to my knees and cried out to my God that I would submit my will to His, wholly and without reservation, my entire life changed. And as I move forward in this amazing grace, yesterday matters less and less. Through Christ ALL things are possible, but we have to start there. We have to let Him in. The Creator of the Universe wants to give us an abundant life, but we have to let him have access to the darkest corners of our heart, no strings attached. I allowed myself to submit to the King, be His princess and let Him to love me despite my shortcomings, and He is teaching me how to be the Queen I always knew I could be.
After all, if God is for us, who could stand against us?